hellogoodbye

I can feel the indecision inside of me. It's like a tearing sensation. One half is pulling me towards the boy of my dreams, but also towards the drug I despise.. and the other half is screaming for all that I have done to get where I am, and for every lonely night I spent, telling myself I made the right choice. Temptation is such a phantom mistress, lurking where you don't expect it, and where you want it least. I climbed a mountain of pain and stupidity when I battled addiction. I lost family, due to their stupidity, I lost friends due to mine. Vaguely can I even remember what are supposed to be the best years of my life... Through the fog of my life, somebody found me. Not the me who lit up twice a day.. Not the me who drank to get drunk.. Not the me who could no longer make a decission for herself, without the approval of her peers.. Somebody saw beyond all that, behind all that, to the me who used to aspire to be a journalist. She saw the me who loved to sing, and act. She inspected my soul, and found beauty and potential behind my pain. And once she was done searching, she held up a mirror, and let me see. At first, I saw no different then I had before. I saw a pitiful excuse for a
daughter,
sister,
friend.
Then she taught me how to decode the tangled web of who I was. For the first time, in what seemed like forever, I cared. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I cared about what I saw. I didn't like the reflection staring back at me, but she told me that would change. I could see the masked bits of who I once was... who I was striving to be again. In time, I learnt that everything heals. If it takes a day, a week, a month or a year. All pain subsides, dulls, and at times you may even feel numb. I can look back at the last year of my life, and I can honestly say I remember the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I remember thanking her, for giving me my life back. Her response was as simple as her knowing smile. "You always had your life, I just showed you how to live it."

it's a small world, to handel this much love.

52 things I love about you ;

1. Your "innocent" smile.
2. Your koala bear hugs.
3. The way you repeat most of what I say.
4. When you kiss my forehead, in front of all your friends.
5. The way you look at me, when you know I'm angry.
6. The way you say "I love you".
7. The way you worry about me.
8. The way you think I shouldn't worry about you.
9. How protective you are.
10. How I was your first.
11. How romantic you can be.
12. How you sometimes let me win at video games, so I don't freak out.
13. The way you look at me, like I'm worth loving.
14. The way you rub my back.
15. When you kiss my neck.
16. The way you smell.
17. How perfectly my hand fits in yours.
18. The way you're proud to be my boyfriend.
19. The way you're 100% yourself around me.
20. The way I can be 100% myself around you.
21. The way you always tell me to trust you, even though I always will trust you.
22. The way you trust me.
23. The way you make fun of people I don't like, just to make me laugh.
24. Your laugh .
25. How beautiful you think I am.
26. How beautiful you make me feel.
27. How confident you are.
28. How easy you are to open up to.
29. The way you love to cuddle.
30. When you do dishes :).
31. How you try and hide things that you think would hurt me.
32. How you don't realize you're perfect.
33. How perfect you actually are.
34. The way you say babe, when you're trying to convince me you're right.
35. Your sarcasm.
36. The way you're totally cool with dancing in your living room.
37. When you tell me how good I look.
38. When you look good.
39. How you never look at other girls when you're with me.
40. How you're mature when you should be, and a total goof when it suits you.
41. How you'll skip school on the coldest day of the year, just for me.
42. The way you cry.
43. The look you get on your face when you're confused. (happens a lot)
44. The way you stand up for what you believe in.
45. The way you believe in me.
46. When you text with winky-faces ( ;) )
47. When you write "I love you" on my facebook wall.
48. How upset you get when I'm angry, even though I will get over it soon.
49. The way you just wanna hang out.
50. When you don't notice i changed something about my appearance, and I have to tell you.
51. The way you let me steal your clothes/chain.
52. They way it's easy to think of 52 things I love about you .

Time heals everything

and the sparkle in your eye is beyond tempting. i inhale your scent and your love intoxicates me. swirls of gold, silver, purple. my thoughts curve and run, nothing makes sense. it's a lust. it's a need. it's a love so strong that nothing can stand in it's way. you came when i needed you most.. not when i thought i did. you came when i was ready, for healing, for forgiveness, for a second chance. it's because of you i regret nothing, because you made everything okay. every glance at the future breaks my heart. i start to lose sight of who i am without you. i know the dangers, i know the pain.. yet i can't help but fall to pieces when you say my name.

the way you move is beautiful, who you are... is beautiful.

I loved you ;

but frankly I was never in love with you.

Like a hot, sweet July car crash, we we're destined for misery. Though i loved you, it meant nothing in the long run. So I live on, I move on, I breathe on. I wont dwell, cause baby you broke down long before the crash, and you were running on fumes.

I looked in your eyes, and saw the beginning of love.. Now i see the beginning of a lie. As words twist and skew from your mouth, I can't hear the meaning, only the sugar coated outline of deceit. You can't fool me, you can't hide from me. I knew your game from the start, and you weren't playing by the rules. So tell me now, how does it feel to play alone?

My bitter sweet, can you see through the fog of that brain? Though you may find release in your indulgence, I see only fear, hiding behind a mask of failure. So next time you decide to pick up the phone, and attempt another failed call. Think twice. Once for the day you told me you loved me, and again for the day you said the same thing to her.

" I just want to tell you something I love you so much don't forget that " I remembered, but it seems more then likely you forgot. I don't mind being in your shadow. The sun never stays in one spot for long, and soon I will be lit up. Enjoy the dark.

Welcome To My Life

So, I'm not sure what brings me back here. I have been here before, writing for no purpose, just to release certain feelings. I drifted away for a while, but now I find myself looking for a reason to write. I think it's because I miss that part of my life. When times got hard, I could always turn here for some way of letting it all go. After a few months of things continuously going wrong, i kindof gave up, and started asking myself if there really was a point to this in the first place. I guess I came back because I missed it, because its a part of me, and at this point in my life I feel like I'm losing so much that I can't afford to willingly let anything go without putting up a fight.

I am currently fifteen years old, in my tenth grade of school. I go to a high school in the city, but my mother, step-father, step-sister and I live out in the country. Most times I'm a typical teenager; putting up a fuss when I don't get what I want, while most of my time is taken up with hating my parents. Other times, I'm everything but ordinary, and just when I think I have figured myself out, I couldn't be farther away from an answer.

In life I find, I often get lost. I spend so much of my time analysing the smallest details, that I lose the bigger picture completely. I dissect every situation, and most times have myself convinced everyone is out to get me. I can sometimes overreact, and I am not for one minute scared to admit I'm quite the "Drama Queen" as they say. But; truth be told, I don't mind. I have tried to change myself to better suit other peoples wants, but I always find that nothing is more satisfying then being yourself.

I'm still learning, growing, maturing. I'm still lost half the time, and I'm never afraid to admit that I don't know what to do. I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm going to learn from them, that's a promise I am making to myself.

I am who I am, and I dare anybody to try and change me.

xoxo - Melissa