hellogoodbye

I can feel the indecision inside of me. It's like a tearing sensation. One half is pulling me towards the boy of my dreams, but also towards the drug I despise.. and the other half is screaming for all that I have done to get where I am, and for every lonely night I spent, telling myself I made the right choice. Temptation is such a phantom mistress, lurking where you don't expect it, and where you want it least. I climbed a mountain of pain and stupidity when I battled addiction. I lost family, due to their stupidity, I lost friends due to mine. Vaguely can I even remember what are supposed to be the best years of my life... Through the fog of my life, somebody found me. Not the me who lit up twice a day.. Not the me who drank to get drunk.. Not the me who could no longer make a decission for herself, without the approval of her peers.. Somebody saw beyond all that, behind all that, to the me who used to aspire to be a journalist. She saw the me who loved to sing, and act. She inspected my soul, and found beauty and potential behind my pain. And once she was done searching, she held up a mirror, and let me see. At first, I saw no different then I had before. I saw a pitiful excuse for a
daughter,
sister,
friend.
Then she taught me how to decode the tangled web of who I was. For the first time, in what seemed like forever, I cared. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I cared about what I saw. I didn't like the reflection staring back at me, but she told me that would change. I could see the masked bits of who I once was... who I was striving to be again. In time, I learnt that everything heals. If it takes a day, a week, a month or a year. All pain subsides, dulls, and at times you may even feel numb. I can look back at the last year of my life, and I can honestly say I remember the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I remember thanking her, for giving me my life back. Her response was as simple as her knowing smile. "You always had your life, I just showed you how to live it."