hellogoodbye

I can feel the indecision inside of me. It's like a tearing sensation. One half is pulling me towards the boy of my dreams, but also towards the drug I despise.. and the other half is screaming for all that I have done to get where I am, and for every lonely night I spent, telling myself I made the right choice. Temptation is such a phantom mistress, lurking where you don't expect it, and where you want it least. I climbed a mountain of pain and stupidity when I battled addiction. I lost family, due to their stupidity, I lost friends due to mine. Vaguely can I even remember what are supposed to be the best years of my life... Through the fog of my life, somebody found me. Not the me who lit up twice a day.. Not the me who drank to get drunk.. Not the me who could no longer make a decission for herself, without the approval of her peers.. Somebody saw beyond all that, behind all that, to the me who used to aspire to be a journalist. She saw the me who loved to sing, and act. She inspected my soul, and found beauty and potential behind my pain. And once she was done searching, she held up a mirror, and let me see. At first, I saw no different then I had before. I saw a pitiful excuse for a
daughter,
sister,
friend.
Then she taught me how to decode the tangled web of who I was. For the first time, in what seemed like forever, I cared. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I cared about what I saw. I didn't like the reflection staring back at me, but she told me that would change. I could see the masked bits of who I once was... who I was striving to be again. In time, I learnt that everything heals. If it takes a day, a week, a month or a year. All pain subsides, dulls, and at times you may even feel numb. I can look back at the last year of my life, and I can honestly say I remember the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I remember thanking her, for giving me my life back. Her response was as simple as her knowing smile. "You always had your life, I just showed you how to live it."

it's a small world, to handel this much love.

52 things I love about you ;

1. Your "innocent" smile.
2. Your koala bear hugs.
3. The way you repeat most of what I say.
4. When you kiss my forehead, in front of all your friends.
5. The way you look at me, when you know I'm angry.
6. The way you say "I love you".
7. The way you worry about me.
8. The way you think I shouldn't worry about you.
9. How protective you are.
10. How I was your first.
11. How romantic you can be.
12. How you sometimes let me win at video games, so I don't freak out.
13. The way you look at me, like I'm worth loving.
14. The way you rub my back.
15. When you kiss my neck.
16. The way you smell.
17. How perfectly my hand fits in yours.
18. The way you're proud to be my boyfriend.
19. The way you're 100% yourself around me.
20. The way I can be 100% myself around you.
21. The way you always tell me to trust you, even though I always will trust you.
22. The way you trust me.
23. The way you make fun of people I don't like, just to make me laugh.
24. Your laugh .
25. How beautiful you think I am.
26. How beautiful you make me feel.
27. How confident you are.
28. How easy you are to open up to.
29. The way you love to cuddle.
30. When you do dishes :).
31. How you try and hide things that you think would hurt me.
32. How you don't realize you're perfect.
33. How perfect you actually are.
34. The way you say babe, when you're trying to convince me you're right.
35. Your sarcasm.
36. The way you're totally cool with dancing in your living room.
37. When you tell me how good I look.
38. When you look good.
39. How you never look at other girls when you're with me.
40. How you're mature when you should be, and a total goof when it suits you.
41. How you'll skip school on the coldest day of the year, just for me.
42. The way you cry.
43. The look you get on your face when you're confused. (happens a lot)
44. The way you stand up for what you believe in.
45. The way you believe in me.
46. When you text with winky-faces ( ;) )
47. When you write "I love you" on my facebook wall.
48. How upset you get when I'm angry, even though I will get over it soon.
49. The way you just wanna hang out.
50. When you don't notice i changed something about my appearance, and I have to tell you.
51. The way you let me steal your clothes/chain.
52. They way it's easy to think of 52 things I love about you .